It is an unusually cool August afternoon, and I am rushing to Oakville through traffic to the Merriam School of Music. I park my car and run though crowds of kids in the hallways, with a few overwhelmed adults, likely someone’s parents, supervising them.
I open the door and see my excited and always glowing voice teacher Darielle. She greets me cheerfully and we begin the warmup. Soon my favorite song is playing, and she hands me a portable microphone. I feel the chill and palpitations from a thought that likely people in this building, these kids and their parents, other teachers and maybe even people in the parking lot will hear me attempt to sing Chandelier, of course horribly in my own opinion. I imagined how they would cringe and think “why is she disturbing our enjoyment of the day by her singing? Who does she think she is?”. I expect dirty looks and looks of disapproval when I am out of this room. When we were done and I left the room to go home, people in the hallways kept being uninterested in who I was to my surprise. Nobody paid attention to the 7 minutes or so of the two times I sang the song. I was probably just adding to the noise of all the other students learning to play instruments or sing.
That was the moment I realized I completely wasted decades worrying about using my voice. I lived in fear of other people’s judgement or disapproval or disliking my singing so I never put my foot forward to sing solo. I sang for many years in choirs, always secretly hoping the director would notice me and would pick me for the solo part. But did I ever volunteer or audition for it? God no! I wanted the world to notice me without me offering myself. Because if I don’t tell people I love singing, they would never find out how bad I am, and I won’t be rejected or judged. And I thought that would totally crush me forever.
The truth is – no one cares. Everyone has got so much going on, even if I auditioned or performed at an event and did poorly, they probably would have wanted to cheer me up rather than beat me with “why did you even put yourself there, you are not good enough!”. I now realize that we are all on our own journeys. The world cumulatively becomes a better place when more people are living the lives of their dreams, doing things that bring them joy and happiness. I realized music was always meant to be in my life, but unfortunately I could not afford to do it until I grew up. All I want is to be able to say I can sing without feeling like an impostor, and perform a song or two if the opportunity presents itself. I never wanted to compete or make it into a career. I just really wanted to sing the songs I love without hiding in the shower or basement. People who saw me sing or dance say that this is when I am most alive. It is so liberating to give myself permission to take singing lessons and just sing for my husband, my teacher, and eventually for friends and family one day. And if I still suck – they love me enough to put up with a few terrible minutes of my singing.
I am curious to know if you have a long postponed passion you were fearful to pursue?
