What does it mean to invest in yourself? Is it self-love, self-indulgence, or another self-serving excuse to go to a spa? Let’s discuss why we often put others and everything else first and ourselves last.
Society often conditions us to seek approval and external validation from others, so the positive reward circle of serving others gets reinforced many times to become second nature. One of the famous writers even coined the term “Human Giver Syndrome”, to describe a woman, who is so consumed by meeting everyone else’s needs, that she is too exhausted to take care of herself. Is she self-sabotaging or self-neglecting to feel like a victim? I don’t think so. Yes, we all must take ownership of our choices, including caring for others instead of ourselves, but let’s be real. Some of these behaviors were set so deeply and patterned by our significant adults to us in early age, that it’s hard to imagine there is another way of being.
Let’s look at self-care from a different perspective. It is not about taking away from others so that we can enjoy life more. It’s about putting the oxygen mask of self first. In medical school wellness classes, we were often told: “The heart pumps the blood to itself first!”. I think this is a great analogy – it is so important to have internal resources, and only then can we nourish and support others. You can’t pour from an empty vessel. And to be frank, when you die, nobody will remember you as someone who never missed work, or always pleased everyone. It’s impossible to please everyone anyway! So why let others decide when and whether you deserve rest, joy, and happiness?
Many of us also believe that somehow we are not worthy of happiness and need to earn it, in order to allow ourselves to be happy, and do things for ourselves. This is a lie! Whoever planted that seed in your mind was wrong! But I must admit I have struggled with those beliefs too, it has a lot of cultural component and socioeconomic components of our upbringing. As adults, we can rewire our brains and retell our stories about self and the world. So I invite you to let go of those limiting beliefs (I know – easier said than done!) and truly explore your core values and whether what you do and how you live aligns with them.
It is very important to “recalibrate your life compass” from time to time. I find it very helpful to revisit my values every year and see if my life is still in line with them. Sometimes we can feel so out of place, so incredibly miserable, despite seemingly “having it all” on the facade, doing all the right things, only to find out the job we have or relationships we are in do not allow us to manifest our true values, causing constant chronic, almost invisible suffering.
Therefore, if you want to begin investing in yourself, please do not just do what others say you should to “feel happy”. First, feeling happy cannot be an ultimate goal because you will need a full range of emotions to feel truly alive. Secondly, we are so different, that there is no universal recipe that will apply to everyone. You have to do your own work. Nobody will do this for you, sorry to break it. Do your research: search online exercises to determine your five to ten main life values, then take a bird’s eye look at your life and see how can you make it more aligned with them. That’s a giant and very eye-opening first step. It ‘s a nice activity to do on a time-alone evening with soothing music, a candle, and a journal. Or do it with a blasting pop in the kitchen while warming dinner or on your next train ride – whatever makes you feel safe and have fun.
Often, it comes down to setting stronger boundaries to protect time for restorative sleep (for example, core value: health), building social connections (for example, core value: belonging, friendship), or learning to dance (core values of creativity or music), pottery, or whatever else your soul desires. These might not be things you can buy with money, but they are incredibly valuable. So investing in oneself does not always have to do with financial assets, going to a luxury spa, or flying to Costa Rica on a yoga retreat, although those are definitely nice. It has to do with your only asset – YOU, and whatever matters to you the most.
I hope this little pep talk was helpful and let me know in the comments below what is the most difficult part of self-care for you. More to come on this!
